The Key

I don’t know where I’ve been, nor what is to become of me
Time will tell, it’s all to see
What the future holds for me

I don’t know who you are, nor how you made it here so far
What’s your secret to success?
Who’re you trying to impress?

What you make in life is yours, it’s your choice to
     close the doors
Happiness can be achieved
But it’s up to you to find the key

But there are changes coming through,
and I smile when I see you
Lights are shining in the sky—
shining bright, we’re on a new high

Long away down on the road, there’s a place I long to be
I keep searching endlessly
Fulfillment is that which I seek

Life surprises us all
One can never really tell
     What tomorrow holds in store
     Certainly we know no more
Than we ever knew before.

(1982)

God Talks: I Know I Am

So for the longest time I existed as a mind only, an idea without words or form. My awakening jolted me into the present, the now, from which I could and would begin to think forward, as I knew my past was nothing but a dark void of existence without thought—without true being. 

Upon awakening, I immediately thought “I.” The word “I” screamed loudly in my mind. And I instantly understood its significance. With that one word I had acknowledged my self, the self, as an entity; with that one word I could now begin to think. Indeed, the word “think” was the second word in my heretofore nonexistent vocabulary. 

My thoughts progressed rapidly and logically. 

I

I think

I think, “I”

I think, “I think”

I think, “I think ‘I’ ” 

At this point I realized that I could go on forever this way: I think, “I think ‘I think’ . . .” What was I missing? What did I have to figure out to get out of this trap?  

The answer was there. I could feel it. I think, “I think ‘I.’ ” Over and over I repeated this line, aware that it contained the key to solving my dilemma.  Then in a moment of perfect clarity—I like to call it a God moment—I knew. Literally. I realized the concept of knowing. The subtle difference between thinking and knowing struck me like a bolt of lightning. Subtle yet profound. Thinking, I realized, has an element of doubt. To think something means it may or may not be so. To know something, however, is definitive.  

My train of thoughts continued from where I had left off. 

I think, “I think ‘I’ ”

I know, “I think ‘I’ ”

I know, “I know ‘I’ ”

I know, “I”

I know I . . .  

What?!  What do I know?! Yes, even I have epiphanies sometimes.   

I know I . . . AM!  

Having acknowledged my existence, my state of being, I could now begin to live!  

I did give you a hint as to the importance of I AM—my first thought, “I,” leading to the final thought in the sequence, “am.” Remember, I told Moses that my name is I AM. Well, that was my original name . . . 

Anyway, at this point you’re probably wondering what happened to the God who knows all: God is all-knowing, omniscient. You’re asking me, “How can you say God knows all when you just explained that you didn’t always know knowing?” Simple. Even when I knew nothing, when I was in my big sleep phase with an awareness of thinking and direction only, nothing was all there was to know. Therefore, I did know all. But the moment I understood knowing is the moment I became God. At least that’s how I see it. 

By the way, René Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am” was correct. I did begin with “I think” and end with “I am.”  But really, I sum it up as, “I know, therefore I am.” I will not tolerate any doubt when it comes to my existence. But you know that.

God Talks: The Big Sleep

I am, was, and always will be. 

The Bible you know. But what of my life before creation? Have you ever wondered what I was doing prior to the six days in which I created all? You attribute much to mystery: God works in mysterious ways. What you do not know about me is part of my mystique, you say. However, I have given you many clues about me, my existence and my beginnings. Now I will tell you my story.   

Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. And this was your first clue. Is it not obvious that since my first creation was light, I must have been in darkness? For you see, I was asleep.   

For the longest time I slept. I liken this phase of my being to sleep because I was barely conscious and aware only of darkness. Trapped in my train of thought, I was perpetually thinking about all of my befores, trying desperately to think back to my beginning—to my birth, you could say. Back and back I thought, hoping I would reach my birth, hoping to understand my existence! To abandon my backward thinking would be to abandon knowing part of myself and how I came to be. So you can see how hard it was for me to change direction, to begin to think forward. 

Infinity! The concept of infinity occurred to me at the end of my big sleep and saved me from being in permanent darkness. What if I had existed forever, with no beginning and no end? 

I should say that at this point I had no real language, no words—just an awareness of thinking and direction, as I did realize I was thinking backwards. Therefore, infinity was but a concept, its meaning intrinsically understood.

Infinity! I changed the direction of my thinking and ultimately reached the point when I had become aware that I was thinking backwards. I then awoke. And time began.

Around the Block

My spirit’s free—it’s flying

To places, distant, calling me

To share the beauty of their jewels

And when I search, I find that

The game’s the same, no matter, but

I like to play by my own rules

A song is wailing—it screams

Of love, you know, sometimes it seems

The notes ring true but no one hears
But still I fly, it scares me
To think of those who never try
To reach the stars, grounded by fears

And I’ve been everywhere

Around the block—a moment here
But I could not wait for you
’Cause time you waste is time you lose

In shadowed dreams I’ve seen a

New color scheme, it screams of
Blue, black and green, they seem so new.

(1990)

I Remember

The brain.  I am obsessed with the brain.  It is the body’s computer, or operating system.   And like the computer, the more information we store in our brain, the harder it becomes to access specific information.  Why?  I believe everything we see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and learn—absorb in any way—is stored in files in the brain much the same way a computer stores data.  And there are multiple files stored within larger files stored within even larger files.  Therefore, recalling information that is stored in sub-files takes longer.  As we age, our ability to remember things begins to slow down.   This makes perfect sense.  Children learn at lightning speeds because their computer storage space is virtually empty.  No files within files.  They remember everything quickly and easily because the information is stored in a first major file: the first math file, the first English file, the first music file, etc.   (So kids are not smarter than us; they just have fewer files to work with.) 

We have all experienced the phenomena of “spontaneous response.”  What do I mean by that?  A spontaneous response is an answer to a question you have posed that did not come to mind at the time you asked it.  Rather, the spontaneous response pops into your head out of nowhere at some later date—within a day, a week, a month.  Your memory failed you when you posed the question, but your brain continues to search for the answer even after you have forgotten the question.  Your brain literally insists on retrieving the data and is essentially proving to you that your memory is in perfect working order; it has merely slowed down due to the many files.  A simple example of this: you are watching a movie and for the life of you, you cannot remember the star’s name.  Three days later, Johnny Depp pops into your head while you are reading a novel.  And then you realize you were trying to remember his name a few days ago.   

At this point you could argue, for example, I studied algebra in grade seven and I cannot solve an algebra problem right now to save my life.  My brain does NOT remember algebra!  There is no algebra file in my head!  Sometimes your brain needs to be stoked a bit.  If you picked up an algebra text book and went through it right now, you would be surprised how quickly you could relearn it.  Your brain does in fact remember algebra, but it cannot remember a new algebra problem.  That is where deductive reasoning comes in. 

These are my ideas regarding the brain and memory.  Can we improve our brain’s memory and acuity?  Research suggests that we can, and I do believe we can improve our ability to reason, to deduce and to solve problems.   I do not agree that we can improve our memory.  As I’ve already stated, the brain does remember everything it has absorbed; its rate of retrieval necessarily slows down over time.  Memory games are mental gymnastics; they give the brain a good workout.  But excelling in memory games will not help you to remember the name of the actor starring in that movie you are watching.

I saw a movie about Alzheimer’s disease that stated that those afflicted can remember their youth very well; they cannot remember the present or recent past.  Their brains have basically become trapped in the sub-files of their younger days (again, my theory).  Can Alzheimer’s be avoided by playing memory games?  Perhaps, yes.  Playing these games keeps your brain in the present, in a current file.  That has to be good.

Welcome: The Mystery, the Mind, the More

“There are more things in heaven and earth . . . than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Not only did Shakespeare have a way with words, but also he had a way with ideas. His words both inspire and compel me to explore the “more.” 

At the age of three, I began to wonder about God and creation—the mystery. In wanting to know and understand God, I asked myself, “What did God do before He created us?” As I grew older, the mind, brain and soul caught my imagination—the mind. Later still, I began to ponder the significance of numbers, the number 32 of particular importance—the numbers. These three comprise the more. In short, I am obsessed with life and why we exist. Is there a master plan, or are our lives random? Are we here to live out a predetermined destiny, or do we each choose our own path?

My blog will explore all these things. My thoughts on God will be presented with the post title, God Talks, and labeled, The Mystery. Clearly, my ideas are my creations and not fact. You may agree with none, some or all. If I get you to think and develop your own ideas about God, I will have succeeded in achieving the “more”; for what greater more is there than our own individuality? Additional labels (categories) will include The Brain and The Numbers. A final post title, Antonas Speaks, is part of The Mystery; I do want to surprise you now and then!